I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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