I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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