He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize