i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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