i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
All I want is dick and wine.
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