On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
