Pappa wants mamma naked
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
