ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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