i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
