I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
