2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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