She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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