dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
