god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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