I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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