i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
