My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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