I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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