I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize