Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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