Welp...herpes.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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