ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
