True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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