I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
