Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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