We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
