his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
