You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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