I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
