can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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