the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize