You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
