I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
