You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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