a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
