Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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