guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
