are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize