I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He kissed a someone with a penis
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
