why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
