im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
