mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
