Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
