: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
