"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
