There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
