Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
