Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
