you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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