i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
