hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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