God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
