dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize