the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
