i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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