I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
