Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
