I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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