"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
