You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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