I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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