She announced her abortion via fbk
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
