Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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