I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
