So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
