just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
